Regrets and Desires
by Mrs Bella Riddle
Summary: Rodolphus and Bellatrix might live in a world where Voldemort won and they never went to Azkaban, but there are still things they both desire but will never have. A conversation with Narcissa leaves Rodolphus wondering what life could be like if he had made another decision. V/B


**A/N:** This is written for Owlvr using the prompts "You have enemies? Good. That means that you've stood up for something, sometime" (my Churchill love demanded it make an appearance even if indirectly), regret and wonder. It's also for the Favourite Genre Boot Camp (with the theme Voldemort wins) with the prompt 'boy' and the OTP Boot Camp with the prompt 'jubilant'.

I really hope you like it Owluvr. I decided to focus Bellamort as a ship and Rod/Narcissa as a friendship.

_)o(_

Bellatrix Lestrange was not foolish or naive. She did not hide her eyes from the truth or pretend unpleasantness did not exist. She did not believe everyone loved her. She knew they hated her.

It did not mean she cared.

The reasons for the negative feelings were foolish. They criticised her decisions and her actions. They assumed her loyalty for the Dark Lord was not genuine. They thought it was obsessive, fanatical and wrong. It was ridiculous. They should do anything for the Dark Lord. Everyone should sacrifice their life for him. He was powerful and mighty. He was their leader and he was so much more than a man.

It did not matter that the others did not understand. The Dark Lord understood her loyalty. He knew the sincerity of her devotion that had started since she was only a girl. He had rewarded her and now she was positioned high in the Ministry. It had been three years since the Dark Lord had conquered the Ministry and she still remained his most loyal servant.

She could only assume the others were jealous. She was the most powerful woman in the country with the might of the Dark Lord's new army behind her.

She had used them. It would be foolish not to and her Lord was pleased by all of her actions. She had destroyed his enemies throughout Europe as he desired and the Home Front was no less a target of her might. She refused to allow any section of the Dark Lord's influence to waver. Rallies and protests were dangerous. Anyone opposing the Dark Lord in any way was wrong so it was right that she crush them.

She did it all for the right reasons. Enemies meant nothing. It just meant she had stood up for her convictions.

The Dark Lord understood. Her wonderful Lord knew her thoughts and agreed with her. He rewarded her for her efforts. She adored when he did.

There was a distinct smell of pine in the air that had drifted through the gap under the Dark Lord's door from the Christmas trees that someone thought was necessary to fill the Ministry with for a more festive feel. She was not sure why anyone would desire such a thing, but still she could not help but think this was more pleasant than anything produced by some holiday.

This meant more.

It did not matter that it was Christmas Eve. It did not matter that her family was waiting at home for her. It did not even matter that they would all be furious with her. She was doing the right thing. She was with her Lord.

His eyes did not lift from her. Standing by the lit grate, the light from the fire flittered over his thin frame highlighting the pallor of his flesh and the bloodied veins in his eyes.

Being consumed by his undivided attention left her breathless and as she slowly plucked each button open and her robes slid down her shapely frame. Despite her husband's pleas, unlike her sister, her body was not impacted by childbirth. Thirty four and still motherless, she was alone and free. She only needed to the Dark Lord and every moment in his presence made her jubilant and giddy.

He did not move as she slowly approached him her feet sinking into the soft carpet, but, when she reached his side and pressed her lips to his, he kissed with all the fire and enthusiasm that roared through her.

No one else mattered.

Only him.

)o(

Rod sighed, his eyes closed as the snow fell softly around him. The ice settled on his hair and his trimmed beard making him shiver in the chill, but he did not move. He stood like he was frozen staring up at the Manor in front of him.

Malfoy Manor was an extravagant building. Even for a boy who had been raised in an impressive country home, it was huge, elaborate and filled with history. However, it was not that which had caught his eye.

The curtains on the front drawing room had been pushed wide open so inside Rodolphus could see the fire that roared pleasantly inside and the two blonde figures within. He should have gone straight in. He was already late, but he could not draw his eyes from the scene.

The boy was only five; his pointed face still chubby from his age was rested on a man's shoulder. He held him close along with a book. Rodolphus could not hear anything, but he could assume he was reading his finger tracing over the words to explain them to the child.

Somewhere within his cold frigid body pain shot through him.

Rodolphus was not sure why his traitorous mind had travelled in such a direction. Certainly no son of his could have such white blonde hair, but, as he watched Lucius and Draco in such an intimate setting, he was focused on that one simple fact.

He was not a father and he never would be.

Bella had made that quite plain. When they were first married she had implied that, once the war was one, she would settle down. Rodolphus had assumed that had meant that a child would be a possibility and it seemed reasonable as why would they raise a child in a place fit for mudbloods and blood traitors?

She had not. The Dark Lord had conquered the Ministry in 1982 and, three years later, she had not calmed down. She had continued to fight for the Dark Lord now in the official capacity in the military. She was even with him now. She had promised she would be here, but once again Rodolphus was alone on Christmas Eve.

He tore his eyes away and stared at the mist produced from his breathing.

He should just go. It would be best. Surely Christmas alone would be better than intruding on a happy family. He did not even have Rabastan this year who was spending the holidays with his new wife, but it did not matter. He could immerse himself in a book and forget about the matter. He had long since become adjusted to the fact that, wishing Bella returned from the Dark Lord at a reasonable hour, was a pointless desire.

He was just about to turn and leave when a figure stepped in the doorway her blonde hair fluttering in the breeze as she moved towards him at a swift but graceful pace. "Rodolphus?" she asked her voice slightly louder than usual, but not inappropriate, as she drew closer to him. "What are you doing out here? Come in. You must be freezing."

It was a strange remark for Rodolphus to hear someone concerned about his wellbeing but that was Cissy. She was only his sister in law, but she appeared to show more regard for him than his own wife.

He did not express any of his emotions but nodded curtly and started to move. "Thank you," he said softly. "It is very kind, but I do not believe Bella will be joining us."

"But it is Christmas Eve."

"I know." Despite himself Rodolphus could not hide the bitterness in his voice. "She has work to do for the Dark Lord."

Narcissa did not even hide her irritation her lips pursing together tightly. "She said she would come. I only spoke to her last night."

"I know."

"Surely the Dark Lord could not have work for her on Christmas Eve! It is ridiculous. What in Merlin's name could she be doing?"

Rodolphus assumed it was respect for her sister that led Narcissa to not automatically assume the obvious reasons for her sister's absence or maybe she just did not want to direct her thoughts in such an unpleasant direction. Rodolphus did not have that luxury. After so many cold nights alone in bed or witnessing the marks that adorned Bella's body which were not caused by him, he could not deny the inevitable truth.

Still he did not say anything he only lowered his gaze and closed his eyes for one moment to steady his mannerisms. There was no point explaining to Narcissa how he felt. Expressing his insecurities was a pointless exercise.

As he looked up he assumed he had held himself together adequately but, when he looked up, he found Narcissa's eyes coated with pity. "Oh Merlin, Rodolphus I should not put this on you. Especially not you when you have to-" She paused catching herself as she tried to smile. "Don't worry about Bella. Come inside."

It was terrible to hear Narcissa speak that way. He did not need to be a figure of pity, but then she reached for his arm and her fingers curled around his limb so gently that he could not complain. It was strange to be offered comfort in such a way. It was a wonder that Narcissa and Bella could be sisters.

Allowing Narcissa to lead himself inside, he tried to improve his mood but it was impossible. As he walked his gaze was traitorous flicking to where Lucius and Draco could still be seen to the beautiful and gentle woman beside him.

He could not help but wonder what life would be like if he would have married Narcissa instead.


End file.
